Dearest Word Pirates,

Remember how I told you at the last meeting that McSweeney’s publishes short humor pieces about celebrities alllll the time? Check out the newest: COMMENCEMENT SPEECH, WHITNEY HOUSTON, EAST SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY, JUNE 9, 2006:

(Assistant whispers to Whitney, points to note cards on podium.) All right, right now, don’t you be bossing Whitney around. (Rummages through note cards.) Who got my glasses? Shit. (Tosses cards into air.) No one needs to tell me how to live life. I am Whitney Houston, baby. I can tell you all you need to know about being a success in life, ’cause I’m a diva.

So, let’s take these essays seriously! Finish up whatever you wrote from the last meeting and bring it in for next time. You can do it!